A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That by John Francis
The Butcher and the Frog The butcher and the frog Sat round the kitchen table The frog said to the butcher “Sir, if you were able Would you make a pie Of common marshland frogs?” “Not me,” said the butcher “Only sheep and dogs” “That’s funny,” said the frog Who wore pink riding pants “I’m sure they gobble frogs somewhere” The butcher said “It’s France” The butcher then departed He said to meet his wife But really that cruel butcher Was searching for his knife The frog had read his motives He studied him all day For when the butcher found his knife The frog had hopped away………
	The Eel in the Bucket An eel lived in a bucket Down a country lane He never, ever travelled By car or boat or plane One day he swam to town And sought a travel broker The eel was offered stupid trips By some audacious joker “Now here we have Antarctica Or what about the Shetlands?” “That’s no good for me at all What about the wetlands?” “We haven’t got them where are they?” The travel man remarked “What about Siberia?” The eel was getting narked Then sometime within the hour Of looking at the map The eel decided he was just A homely, loving chap He went home to his bucket And swam around all day “You can keep America Paris or Bombay”
The Vain Egg An egg said to some chips “What a sorry state! You seem to lay around all day Upon a dinner plate. Look at me I’m agile I’m debonair and round Not like bacon rashers All crispy when they’re browned. Look at those pork sausages; Not a pretty sight And look at that tomato It doesn’t look quite right. No, I’m the fairest here I’ve got that certain look” And with those words the egg was cracked By Fred the breakfast cook.
	Bumblebee Football Bumblebees play football I bet you didn’t know ‘Cos they’re so fast and nippy They’re always on the go. Last week they played the wasps I saw them from a tree The bumblebees were buzzing They won the match 4-3 This season is a good one An up-and-coming team They play and work together In honour for the Queen Next week they play the moths A tricky mid-week game Their star is Billy Emperor Of continental fame The bumblebees are training They don’t get paid in money But gather pollen every day And make delicious honey They’re in the semi-finals Of the Grand Insecta Bowl So come on you black and yellows Score another goal!
	The Math Monkey A monkey was so good at maths He added up with ease Dividing fractions in his head Equations as you please He threw away his abacus To make a string of beads And bought a tin of peanuts That’s all a monkey needs
	The Fly A fly went midnight swimming Along some rough terrain When swept out by the tide He was never seen again…
Rolling Mouse Entertainment A mouse went roller-skating Around a local rink he wore a purple overcoat A scarf in green and pink He never had a lesson Assumed an easy ride Along the concrete runways As if he never tried He took his little shoes off Put on his roller blades Donned a snazzy ski hat And cool designer shades “Look at me “ he thought As he made his stride His legs began to wobble With no one by his side Crash!!!! he went then Thump!!!! While people all around Were laughing at a little mouse Wriggling on the ground “Encore! Encore !” they shouted They wiped away the tears For this was entertainment The best for many years!
	The Lollipop Man Mr. Jones the lollipop man Thought he was a flop Every time he left the kerb The traffic wouldn’t stop! He tried to shout and wave At every car and lorry But they drove by too wild and fast And no one said “I’m sorry.” So Mr. Jones took action With help from state police “Get me a life-size replica And then we’ll have some peace.” The sergeant readily agreed To take the photo shoot Producing monster photos All from head to boot. So now a life-size policeman Is standing in the street The motorists slow down these days They’re mannerly, discreet!
Elephants on a Bus? Elephants are lovely creatures They don’t make a fuss Except when they go shopping And try to catch a bus!
	Elephant Potatoes An elephant grew potatoes In a massive field He gathered them in April And ate them all unpeeled
Of Crabs and Tennis “Anyone for tennis?” Crabs on the sand did shout A limpet said “I’ll umpire And when the ball is out A line of willing mussels Will make a sturdy frame The ball will roll back in the court Who’s playing in this game?” “It’s the major finals;” A crab behind him said “A lobster and a spider crab But he’s still home in bed.” “Better run and get him” The limpet umpire quipped The day was getting hotter As crabs on cola sipped The crowd began to gather And soon were placing bets The cockles marked the court The crabs put up the nets “I’m sure these fishermen won’t mind,” A crab began to say “A final is a final They don’t come every day”	And so the match commenced Played at a stirring pace The spider crab was losing; Sweat poured down his face The crabs urged on their hero Into the final set Then something awful happened The trawler dragged the net! Next time you watch a tennis match Please check carefully Your tennis match is played on land Not underneath the sea!
Wobbly Suzan Suzan was a cat Who had a funny leg She wobbled when she walked the streets And when she tried to beg I don’t know how she got it I couldn’t see a scar Someone said that Suzan Was knocked down by a car But Suzan got on with her life All ups and downs and spats Admired by all her family And neighbourhood of cats Each day the cats would gossip The usual boring talk But highlight of the day Was Suzan’s silly walk!
Barry, the elderly Hedgehog Barry the elderly hedgehog One day received a letter “Hello my friend, it’s been so long I hope you’re feeling better I’m getting married, fancy that I hope you can attend It’s at the church near Rabbitparsley By the river bend.” Poor Barry scratched his head “I haven’t got a suit, Silk tie, a coat for special days Or waistcoat like Dave Newt.” So Barry found a tailor A stoat called Mr. Love He made a suit for Barry It fit him like a glove Barry loved the wedding He looked just like a toff His suit was fine and dandy but He couldn’t take it off !	“What have I done,” thought Barry This suit feels hot and tickles It won’t budge a single inch Because of all my prickles.” Then he had a brainwave Two years ago in spring He had a rotten wardrobe Where moths ate everything He sold it to a ferret Who lived in yonder vale Would it still be standing? Would it be for sale? Next day he found the ferret The wardrobe was still there “Oh thank you Mr. Ferret The answer to my prayer.” The ferret let the hedgehog Sleep inside all night The wardrobe full of clothes moths Who ate with all their might The suit was torn to shreds The moths ate every bit Now Barry won’t wear suits again He doesn’t like the fit
The Travelling Mice Three mice sat by a station Waiting for a train The 12.15 was cancelled Then down came summer rain “I’ve forgot my brolly” “Never mind “, one said “I’ve got cheddar sandwiches Made with wholemeal bread.”
	They sat and ate their luncheon And talked of mice in towns The noises certain rats make When mice have cultured sounds “Rats are simply common,” The eldest mouse declared “They should be shot or poisoned, Trapped or even snared” “We agree,” the others said “All rodents aren’t the same, It’s rats that frighten humans We’re friendly and we’re tame.” Very soon their train arrived They donned their coats and hats But to their very horror The train was full of rats!
Of Two Lost Snakes Two snakes were lost in a car park Missing for several days The building was cold, dark and dismal Away from the sun’s warming rays They managed to find an old lorry And crawled in a large open case Piled high with all sorts of equipment At least it was warm in this place The lorry set off in the morning The snakes were asleep in the box For soon they had finished their journey The cargo was placed in the docks
Over the ocean they travelled The snakes were all sea sick and ill But somehow their troubles were over The cargo was bound for Brazil	In Rio they slithered and sheltered Set off on a long dusty road And many miles, many days later They were back in their jungle abode.